Showing posts with label Funny Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Quotes. Show all posts

Funny Quotes About Women

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
-Nancy Reagan, Political Activist

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-Aristotle, Philosopher

I hate women because they always know where things are.
-James Thurber, American Humorist

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
-Malcolm de Chazal, Mauritian Writer

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
-Jules Michelet, French Historian

The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.
-Freya Stark, Author

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
-Gloria Steinem, American Feminist

Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.
-Nicole Hollander

Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels.
-Kathy Lette

Worldview of beautiful women always differs from their husbands wordview.
-J. GruĊĦas

The three words women most want to hear from a man are, “You lost weight”.
-Lori Gottlieb

A man’s face is his autobiography.  A woman’s face is her work of fiction.
-Oscar Wilde

Womanhood is a talent that exists between possible and impossible miracles.
-S. Sluckis

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubinstein

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Gloria Steinem

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.

-George Meredith

A woman can keep one secret – the secret of her age.
-Voltaire

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
-Joseph Conrad

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
-Gilda Radner

Man has will, but woman has her way
-Wendell Holmes

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
-Author Unknown

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

-Chinese saying

Funny Quotes About Men

Funny Quotes About Men
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
-Oscar Wilde

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
-Oscar Wilde

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-Elayne Boosler

Men are all alike -- except the one you've met who's different.
-Mae West

Men are easy to get but hard to keep.
-Mae West

Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are.
-Oscar Wilde

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.
-Mae West

Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
-William Shakespeare

Few women care what a man looks like, and a good thing too.
-Mignon McLaughlin

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-Mae West

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
-Oscar Wilde

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
-Bruce Willis

The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
-Jeanne-Marie Roland

Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
-Will Rogers

Man has will, but woman has her way.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
-Jerry Seinfeld

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
-Gloria Allred

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-Diana Jordan

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.”
-Lana Turner

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.”
-Duane Dewel

Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
-Author Unknown

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.
-Jean Kerr

A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
-Mae West

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”

-Molly McGee

Funny Marriage Quotes

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
-Ogden Nash

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
-Bill Cosby

 I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
-Patrick Murray

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
-Groucho Marx

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-Agatha Christie

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henry Youngman

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.
-Joyce Brothers

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
-Homer

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
-Ogden Nash

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-Lord Byron

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.
-Katharine Hepburn

Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.
-Joyce Brothers

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

-George Lichtenberg

SOME FUNNY QUOTES that can motivate you and inspire you to make something great out of your life.


People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar

 By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
 - Robert Frost

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.
- Ethel Barrymore

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
- Oscar Wilde

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.
- Unknown

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
- Unknown

If you hit the target every time it’s too near or too big.
- Tom Hirshfield

I’m an idealist I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
- Carl Sanburg

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
- Erma Bombeck

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
 - Harry S. Truman

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
- Funny inspirational quote

He who laughs lasts.
- Mary P. Poole

Seven days without laughter make one weak.
- Joel Goodman

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.
- Sri H. W. L. Poonja

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep.
- Osho

If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
- Marie Osmond

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I’ll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I’ll give you a stock clerk.
- J.C. Penney

The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.
- German Proverb

If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will.
 - John Atkinson

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.
- Richard Bach

Dogs have owners, cats have staff. Are you a dog or a cat?

- Unknown

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.
 - Leo Burnett

 Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.
 - Japanese proverb

Just Remember One Thing:   You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
 - Steven Wright

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.
- Wayne Dyer

Success comes in cans, failure in cant’s.
- Funny inspirational saying

Read More Quotes: 
Life Quotes - InspirationalThinkTank.Com 
Love Quotes - InspirationalThinkTank.Com